I Hate This When it Happens
by BigKwell
Summary: ONE-SHOT. What happens when Seras wakes-up in a place she never expected - like the coroner's! Rated M for dark humor.


"**I Hate This When it Happens!"**

**Hellsing fanfiction**

**By Elwin "Blaine" Coldiron**

"**Hellsing" and characters are created by Kohta Hirano, and is the property of Shounen Gahousha/Dark Horse Comics, Rondo Robe/Wild Geese/Satelight/Madhouse Studios, and FUNimation Entertainment, a Navarre Company. I do not own the series, nor the characters. I just write the fiction.**

**2 AM, A CORONERS' OFFICE IN LONDON…**

"I sure bloody hate these late-night shifts!" the middle-aged pathologist grumbled as he made his way to the examination crypt. "Some bloody stiff gets shuffled inside and there's no one on duty, so naturally they would ring me up and ask me to come to work on my night off!" Of course, this wouldn've happened if the coroners' wasn't so unexpectively short-staffed.

The whole bit began about two weeks ago. From the records had revealed, the body of a young woman had been brought in on one night. The coroner on staff, a rather young man out from school, was the only one there and a very experienced chap, so no one ever thought to watch over him. Forensic pathology was, of course, a solitary venture… which what happened the next morning caught everyone by surprise.

When the morning shift checked-in, they were alarmed to find the body gone… and the coroner huddled in a corner, terribly frightened. From what he blathered irrationally about, he related that the body had all of a sudden got up from the examination table, complained about her situation, mentioned a few names that no one recognized, and got herself dressed and out the door. Of course, the whole thing sounded extremely preposterous, but there was no way anyone could be able get the coroner to tell a straight story… and the surveillance cameras at the time were in the shop! They had to pack the poor fellow off to the looney bin and haven't been able to hire anyone else since.

And so, the senior coroner had been called-in on this night because of a body that had been brought-in. Getting dressed in his scrubs, he made his calls to the front desk. Sure enough, the damn cameras were still on the fritz, and the night desk decided to close up. So sighing his discouragement, he entered the refrigerated crypt to begin the post-mortem.

"Sad for such a young thing to just up-and-die," the coroner sighed as he saw the subject on the table – the nude body of a young girl, approximately twenty years of age, blonde and well-endowed for someone her age. But caught him as strange was the clothes on the table – a yellow sort that seemed to resemble some sort of military uniform. Deciding not to ponder the problem further, he made his way to the exam table and turned-on the recorder – only to discover that, like the surveillance cameras, was malfunctioning. "Oh well – I've done autopsies before without recording," he mused. "I'll just make the notes from memory. At least I've got the still camera for pictures."

With that, he held out his scalpel to make the first incision. But when he did, he felt a strong, cold grip upon his wrist. Startled, he glanced down on the body – and found to his horror the girl was staring back at him with eyes of blazing orange-red. Dropping the scalpel, he let out a shriek of terror, which caused the girl to release him. Quickly, he staggered back into the corner the previous coroner had been found two weeks prior.

The girl didn't hesitate to sit-up on the table, where she took stock on her surroundings. "Oh bloody hell," she sighed, "I've ended-up back at the coroner's again! I hate this when it happens!" Swiping the hair away from her eyes, she added, "I just know Master is going to give me another one of his lectures because of this! And I dread to think about the tongue-lashing Sir Integra is going to give me when she finds out, not to mention all the bawdy jokes Pip is going to tell the Wild Geese when he hears what happened to me!" Taking a deep breath, she finished with, "At least I can count on Walter to be civil about the whole thing."

Now all through this experience, the old coroner couldn't help but feel somewhat queasy because of this. He jumped when the girl turned around and asked, "Pardon me, but you wouldn't happen to know where my clothes are? After all, I can't go back home all starkers, the way I am."

The coroner couldn't help but feel a bit of tightness in his chest as he whimpered, "O-over there."

"Oh thank you," the girl said, bounding off the table and proceeding to the pile of clothes opposite. The tightness in the coroner's chest, in the meantime, was beginning to grow, and was now starting to feel like an elephant was standing on top of him. He was tempted to watch the busty girl re-dress herself, but he decided to concentrate upon his rapidly shortening breath.

Finally satisfied with her uniform, the girl looked at the heavily-sweating man and said, "Now, I would appreciate you not repeating this to anyone." She then examined him and asked, "Are you certain you're alright? You look worse that that young chap I met here two weeks ago."

"I'm… fine," the coroner lied, now finding the vision on the right side of his face fading – in fact, the entire right side of him seemed to go numb all of a sudden.

"Oh then, I guess I'll just be going," the girl cheerfully said. "Remember, don't tell a soul." The coroner weakly nodded. Satisfied, the girl bounded out the door.

After that, the old coroner keeled over and died.

**XXX**

**9/11/01**

**FDNY-NYPD-THE REAL HEROES**


End file.
